i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
