Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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