Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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