I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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