woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
