so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
