Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
