Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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