Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
