Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
