Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
