guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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