too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
