I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
