The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
