he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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