you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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