this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
you never un-have a 4some
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
