Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
