sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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