I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
