If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
