don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
