Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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