Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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