I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
