Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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