she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
