I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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