I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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