I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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