If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
