I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
