apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
being pregnant is like rehab
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
