i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize