I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
