Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
