Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
