Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
