Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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