I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
