his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's shark week go big or go home
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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