At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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