Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
