I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
