After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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