Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
