You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
