i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
