I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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